Hiccups

In a perfect and somewhat more literary world the title of this post might refer to the sudden, unexplained and somewhat baffling method of my posting to this site. In reality though, it's to bitch about the worst case of hiccups I've ever had.

I'm actually in pain today from yesterday's hiccups. If you're waiting for the punch-line you can stop...there isn't one. I had the hiccups for over five hours yesterday. I have no idea what brought them on but was glad they came after I had finished work for the day (I was reading paragraph-long sentences from newspaper articles in the morning. I wouldn't have made it through one sentence). Today my back, stomach and chest all hurt. It's almost too ridiculous to be upset about, but it wasn't so funny last night. At the one-hour mark it was just starting to be unbelievable. After three, I felt like I was going insane. By the fifth hour I was wondering if I was going to have to go to the hospital for hiccups. Then they stopped. Don't know how or why they started and don't have a clue as to why they finally stopped.

For anyone with the urge to send their own personal cure, feel free. If I ever have the misfortune to experience the hiccup hell I was in yesterday, I promise you that from the three-hour mark the most ludicrous remedies start to sound at least worth an effort. By the five hour mark, I was almost ready to try the most likely cure I found through my Google search (miss-typed with each hiccup...and cussing that followed)...a .45 caliber shot through the roof of the mouth. Judging from how well all the other remedies worked, I probably would have hiccuped and missed.

The real irony would be that one of the "remedies" I tried was the real thing. The absolute, all-time, guaranteed hiccup cure...and it had a 30 minute (or three hour, for that matter) delay before it kicked in. It wouldn't surprise me in the least. After five hours of hiccups (not even commenting on some of the outrageous stuff I attempted to get rid of them), my threshold for surprise is at all new levels.